In Heaven’s Rocking Chair

Lord why is their death in our dreams?  The kind of death that makes our mascara run and heart ache so deep?  Why is death so painful?

Lord rock me as I figure out my new dreams that look a lot like my old dreams.

My old dream died, why are these new dreams resembling and bringing back memories of pain.

Just like the reality of my children dying that had me never wanting children.  Dead dreams.

And the existence of these dead dreams had me never wanting to dream again.

Lord hold me, dead dreams are stealing my joy.

So many questions of why?

So many questions as to why you choose me to walk the path that I have walked.

Why have my children died?  Why have my dreams died?

Why after death is their restoration of a completely new life? What if I wanted my old life?

Why do I have 9 children now after I lost 2?  Why do you restore a hundredfold? (Matthew 19:29 ESV).

I thought the Bible said you restored tenfold, so I looked it up and You say that you restore a hundredfold.  I thought my restoration was done, but apparently you have other plans.

“Notmylifeanymore” I murmur under my breath.  Why do you take things from me?  It reminds me of my white board of the things that my children are grounded from until twenty-four hours later. 

I need to be childlike and take back what you are giving me with complete confidence knowing it is mine.  Like this counseling degree…

Daddy God, you took this dream away.  Why do I find myself applying for my master’s in psychology when you clearly called me away from that dream to foster children and become a stay a home momma?

Why do old dreams come back around to remind us of the pain of walking through death?

Rock me as I curl up in your arms and verbally process all of this.  Let me grieve as you reprieve me from what I deserve.  I do not deserve this opportunity.  

I was confident about being a mother until you took my babies away.

I was confident about being a counselor until you took my dream away.

I was mad at you for a long time.

Why do you take away then give back?

You are the true representation of what a parent is.  I have no other choice then to crawl up in your lap and rely on you, what about those children who have no parents to rely on?

Help me to love my kids like you love me.

Remind me that no matter how old they are, they can snuggle in my rocking chair and share their dreams with me as I help them to look to you as you unfold their lives, but more importantly their little hearts’ dreams.

Father brush my hair off my face as you use every annoyance I ever had.  Remind me that the opposite of annoyance is joy.  Joy in the opposite of annoyance.

Help me to be joyful and not annoyed with you, with my husband, with my kids, and with my family and friends.

Lord I am going to get down from you lap now un-annoyed, unafraid, and un-offended as I step into a dream that has been hidden in my heart for many years.

2 thoughts on “In Heaven’s Rocking Chair

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