Fifteen years ago, I found myself living at my mother’s house. WAITING. I was 23 years old and going through a divorce. I was waiting to give birth to my twin girls. I had left my ex-husband in my first trimester after I found out he was cheating. My baby girls, Brooklyn and Madalyn, were two very active babies growing fast in my belly. I had spent several weeks on bedrest at the hospital. The bill was over $54,000.00 dollars when the doctor discharged me home (to my mom’s house) to continue on bedrest.
My normal doctor appointment, a few weeks later, proved the progress of the twins looked good. The doctor ordered me to continue on bedrest at my mom’s house. Therefore, the baby shower planning started. There was hope.
The twins and I had made it past the 28-week mark which meant survival in the twin world. I was 31 weeks along and my belly was in full bloom, so was my bum and my double chin. I was healthy and so were the twins. So, I waited….and waiting bonds us. Waiting for glue to dry bonds two objects together much like waiting for our babies to grow in our bellies bonds us to them.
While I waited, I nested, as much as one can nest while on bedrest. Their clothing was washed, and their things were well organized. But three days after my baby shower, three days after I washed all their outfits, three days after I put together the twin stroller, and three days after their crib bedding was placed, the waiting was over. I found myself in the emergency room because of cramping. I was wheeled gently to the mother-baby floor where a cold heart monitor was placed on my belly to check on Brooklyn and Madalyn.
The nurses could not find either of their heartbeats. The pace picked up. I became the emergency that night. The ultrasound was wheeled into the room and placed on my belly. All I could see on the monitor was my lifeless babies. The nurses ran around frantically trying to find a doctor to help.. A doctor I never met came in and said, “I am so sorry they are both gone.” I gave natural birth to my two still born babies that night.
My babies had died April 12, 2006. The nurses took pictures while I sat there trying to keep my head up, and while I was trying to see my babies for the first time and the last time through watery eyes.
I had hit rock bottom. The tragedy left me in total confusion, complete mayhem.Jules Lundberg
Is there an event in your life that left you in total confusion, complete mayhem? A tragedy that has crippled your heart and left you angry? A moment that when you think about it makes you sad, lonely, or scared? Have you ever hit rock bottom?
If so, I understand. My life became a spiraling unhealthy lifestyle of binge-drinking, negative self-talk, and tearing others down.
For many years after the loss of my twins, I lived a life of deep sorrow. I did not know how to get myself out of the sadness and pain I experienced.
But God did. And now fifteen years later God has shown me the part of His story that I never imagined. Through the grieving process, I learned how to use exercise as a stress relief instead of smoking and drinking. And if that ain’t a miracle, I got to quit my job to be a stay-at-home momma, I am writing a book, and I am in graduate school to become a counselor. God keeps showing up!
God has used my passion to write, speak, and counsel. On my twins’ birthday almost every year for the past 6 years, I get to tell their story. On Monday, April 12, 2021, I will be speaking to the women at Sojourn in Springfield IL about a Survivor’s Guide to Self-Care and Coping Skills. Tragic events threaten to bring us down, but we are Survivors. I have used my story of trauma, shame, and tragedy to bring hope to others; and my hope is that through telling my story once more time that I have brought you hope. If you have ever been through a tragic event, you are not alone.
I am rooting for you!!
If my story has ever brought you hope, please comment below.